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ghostsighstitle. and breathe me
fandom/pairing. twilight / edward/jacob
rating. pg-13
summary. "We still love each other. Intensely. Nothing and no one will ever change that about us."
notes. Co-written with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
pocketsun. A sequel to Just Because I'm Losing, Doesn't Mean I'm Lost. Was originally a thread in ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
eventide_rp and posted here.
"Jake...?"
Edward’s voice was not his own, but someone else's. He has never sounded this weak before. He had never had a reason to. Jacob stared at him, his eyes unblinking and he wasn’t sure if the look was one of confusion or of upset, but he braced himself either way.
---
He could not speak and was unable to make sense of what was going on. Something was off. He could smell something different but familiar, and he wasn’t sure what it is. His eyes stayed on Edward's face, searching it, seeing the pain, feeling it without having to ask.
And then he heard it.
silence.
He wasn’t breathing. His heart was not beating. His skin, skin that had been so warm for so long, was now colder. He looked down, looked at that skin and noticed a change in color, paler than before.
And the screaming began in his mind. His head spun. He doesn't know what to do, what to say, if he was supposed to say anything at all. He opened his mouth and breathed, and it was different. His throat burned. from lack of talking, from screaming, or from something else. It might have been all three plus so many more reasons he could not bear to think of.
“It’s so quiet,” was what he managed to choke out. It was the only thing Jacob could think to say.
---
Edward watched as the realization washed over Jacob's face and wanted to hold him, squeeze him tight and tell him that it wasn't that bad, but what a lie that would be. Edward spent every day hating the thing he was, never wishing it for anyone, especially not Jacob. Yet, here he was watching him and he felt all the threads of himself start to unravel.
He reached out and attempted to hold Jacob's hand but Jacob ripped it from his grasp so fast he barely noticed the absence. His eyes fell and again he wasn't sure what to do, what to say. Nothing could make this better, not one single thing.
Everything felt ruined and he watched as all the pieces fell in front of him. He opened his mouth, forming a small 'o' with his lips and then found he has nothing at all to say. I love you just didn't seem like enough for either of them at the moment.
---
Jacob watched as he ripped his hand from Edward's grasp, the act so fast he wasn't sure if Edward's hand had ever been near his in the first place. He wanted to apologize, tell Edward he was sorry and didn't mean to do that, but he couldn't get the words out.
He sat there, staring, not saying anything. He wasn't even sure is there was anything left to say. What could he say? Nothing would make this better.
He was dead. His lack of a pulse assured him. He was dead. He was not dead. He didn't know what he was, if he was himself, someone else, something else.
His breath hitched in his throat as everything crashed into him and he was off the bed in a flash, sliding down a wall across the room, his head clutched in his hands, and dry sobs wracking through him.
He wanted this once. It seemed so long ago now. He'd never wanted it again and now that he had it he wished it would go away. He missed the sound of his heart, the warmth of his skin. It had only been minutes and he already missed himself.
He looks up, looked at Edward, and shook his head.
"I'm sorry."
---
Edward watched the scene before him, feeling like it was some movie or maybe even a dream. This couldn't be real, this hadn't happened to them. He was confused because Jacob's head was completely quiet, just like his heart, and he had no idea how to react. He knew his Jacob, he knew the man that he had grown to love, the man before James took everything away from them. But this Jacob... he was someone else. He was still his, but so much about him was not even remotely the same.
He watched Jacob's face, trying to determine what to do. Should he go to him? Should he even acknowledge what they both knew and both were so distraught over? Every bit of him was pushing at his back, wanting him by Jacob's side, to hold him in his arms and lie to him, tell him it was okay. But the look in Jacob's eyes wasn't welcoming, it wasn't warm. The pools of crimson removed any trace of the brown he'd grown to love and completely lost.
He stayed where he was on the bed and moved to sit on the edge to look at Jacob, not going to him, not crossing the vast space between them, one that a few days ago would have never existed if they were in the same room together.
"There's nothing to be sorry about, Jake. I understand."
His head fell and he wrapped his arms around his middle, holding together the smallest threads that he had been left with. He couldn't look Jacob in the eye again, couldn't see the blood red looking back at him.
---
Jacob kept his eyes on Edward even when Edward's gaze dropped, even when his head fell and he saw his arms wrapped tightly around himself. A surge of anger flew through him as he noticed the distance between him, and it was not only in the physical sense.
A growl echoed around the room and it took him a moment to realize it had come from his own chest.
"Don't patronize me, Edward. Don't pretend like everything is peachy keen. Don't. Don't do anything at all because nothing matters anymore. Nothing at all."
---
Edward's head snapped up at the sound of the growl, and then the words pierced through him and he wanted to punch Jacob, stop all of those words from coming out of his mouth. But each second that ticked away after Jacob had spoke, only infuriated him more and Edward watched him, focusing on his hands balled into fists, his jaw clenching.
"I know nothing is fine, Jacob. I know. But I don't want this to be any harder than it has to be."
He stood and took a few steps toward Jacob, but there was still a great space between them.
"I still love you. You. No matter what you are."
---
He pressed his body into the wall, suddenly feeling like he was going to go insane. Jacob breathed again and his throat still burned, so he kept his mouth shut and breathed through his nose heavily, the sound loud because there were no other noises in the room.
There used to be
He blinked, forcing the thought to go away. As Edward stood and took a few steps toward him, his gaze moved up to his face, but as the words left Edward's mouth, he growled again, not able to control it.
"How can you love someone who doesn't exist anymore? The person you loved is dead."
His eyes stayed on Edward's face and he spit out his next words.
"Don't lie."
Another growl ripped through his chest and he closed his eyes, lowering his voice.
"Please don't."
---
He had to remind himself that this was not his Jacob, this was what had been created and the words coming from his mouth were a result of that. Soon, soon it would be how it had been, not entirely but in pieces.
He wanted to shake Jacob, make him understand that if he didn't love him, he wouldn't have been here. That if he didn't love him, he wouldn't have sat beside him and watched him die. And that if he didn't love him, none of this would have happened.
His eyes closed shut at this thought and he remembered what he could but it was all slipping away from him so quickly. Gasps left his lips and he screamed inside his head, screamed at Jacob, screamed at himself.
His eyes reopened and he fought the worry from his expression.
"You do exist, Jake. Please. How can you look at me, look me in the eye, and ever doubt how I love you? Even if I wanted to stop, I couldn't. I tried before. Remember?"
He lowered his head again as the feeling of a tightness in his chest overtook him.
"I can't not love you. You're ingrained in me."
---
Jacob leaned his head against the wall, his eyes stared up at the ceiling and a bitter laugh left his throat.
"That was before. It doesn't matter anymore. That all died when I did."
He couldn't control himself. He couldn't control this anger, this bitterness, his longing for his life, for what he was. He wanted to cling to it but he found that it was impossible. It was so far from him, miles and miles away, almost as if it was another life entirely. Decades ago instead of just three days.
"You never wanted this for me. I know you can't stand it, that you don't want to come near me, that I'm not him anymore and it hurts you."
He looked down at his hands that were clenched into fists, watching as he relaxed and clenched again. He hurt. His chest hurt. It felt tight, and he couldn't release any of the tears that were forever stuck behind his eyes now.
His throat was on fire and he swallowed it, whispering out into the unwanted silence.
"I wish he had killed me."
---
The final words slashed right through him, knowing he'd said this himself to James, knowing how badly he wished this himself. Anything, anything but this.
He wanted to retreat, run through the door, beg Esme to get him out of town and never return. But he'd learned far too many times that running did little to remedy any situation. Instead he stayed, unmoving, unblinking.
His eyes turned back to Jacob's, and they seemed to both look up at the same time and this act alone reminded him that there were still pieces and parts of his Jacob left inside the person in front of him.
He took a risk, stepping forward more, more until he was standing over Jacob, looking down and daring him to move, to protest this. He crouched down, kneeling in front of Jacob and pulled him into his arms. Jacob tried to pull and Edward knew that he could if he really wanted to but he felt the muscles start to relax and dropped his head into Jacob's shoulder, trying hard to not fall apart again.
“I wish you'd believe me. I still love you, Jake. I still do.”
---
Edward's embrace, his scent, the feel of him, it was overwhelming and he broke. His hands bunched up fabric from Edward's shirt into his fists and he shook violently from his silent sobbing. He couldn't control them, he didn't want to. He was allowed to break, to unravel, but he also didn't want to for Edward, didn't want to hurt him even more than he already had.
His face buried into the crook of Edward's neck and his eyes closed. For a moment it felt like it had been before, before this, before this mess. His words were murmurs pressed into Edward's skin, skin that was similar to his own now.
"I love you. But you deserve better."
---
Edward moved back from Jacob in a snap, his arms still around him, but focused on his face, concern written all over him. He was such an open book, he couldn't hide any of this. He never could with Jacob.
"Jake. Jake. I deserve you. Every part of you. You are still mine. You'll always be mine. Nothing will take that away."
Jacob's gaze stayed downcast, and Edward realized that Jacob felt like he doesn't deserve it. That Jacob didn't deserve these words or his love, none of it. He felt Jacob's hands tighten their hold on his shirt and he wondered if Jacob even realized he had done that. And when he heard Jacob speak, it was so quiet, so hushed, almost as if he wasn't speaking at all.
"I'd like to believe that, Edward, but everything is different now. You can't be sure of anything."
He moved a hand under Jacob's chin and pushed his head up, forcing Jacob to look at him. He smiled as much as he could muster, trying to give Jacob even the smallest bit of hope.
"I'm sure of us. I've always and will always be sure of us."
He leaned in then and kissed Jacob quickly, keeping it feather-light. When he leaned back, he pressed his forehead against Jacob's and spoke quietly.
"We still love each other. Intensely. Nothing and no one will ever change that about us."
---
The kiss had been like a shock to Jacob's system and his hands finally relaxed, dropping down and back to his side. He wanted to move away, didn't like being this close to Edward. And that thought was so horrible it threatened to tear him apart all over again.
"Edward, that may have been true before, really, but I'm not that person anymore. I'm different. I know it, you know it, and pretending it's the same won't work. We should just..." he trailed off and didn't even know what he meant.
---
Edward's jaw clenched as the words left Jacob's lips and the hole in his stomach that had finally started to subside erupted of inside him again. He stared at Jacob and couldn't even think of words to say but does, saying what he can, all the while thinking to himself, this is not happening, this is not happening.
"No!" he barked his answer and regretted it. He shook his head and looked back at Jacob, looked him in the eyes despite the act hurting him far too much.
"Jake... how can you even think that? Just.. how..."
He trailed off himself and suddenly he was mad, he was upset, he was seething internally at just how selfish all of this was. It may be easier for Jacob but no, no. This is not happening.
He felt his hands ball into fists and stood, staring down at Jacob and then pacing, his voice like a canon, "You think I don't love you, that now you're a vampire too, I won't be able to? Is that it? Do you even grasp what I had to watch? That I could have left, I could have taken you somewhere else. But no, I kept you here with me. I laid beside you and held you even when you threw me off. I watched you die, Jake. If I didn't love you, if I didn't have even the slightest bit of faith in what we are, even after all of that... I wouldn't fucking be here right now."
---
Jacob was infuriated, with himself, with Edward, with what he was, and he closed his eyes; they hurt, felt odd. He kept them closed while he listened to Edward yell, but as he listened on, his anger increased and his skin felt like it was on fire and he didn't understand what was going on, but he stood, and grabbed Edward's arm for no reason other than wanting to touch him.
"I'd only consider it for you. You can't even fucking look at me for more than a minute and I've only been dead for what, an hour? Think about what it will be like months from now."
---
Edward winced from Jacob's touch, the cold gone... he was warm again. Jacob was still holding him and Edward looked back at him in awe. But when he saw Jacob's eyes his face grew even more worried. He turned, still watching Jacob and kept his voice low.
"You're... You're..."
Jacob released his arm and he still stared at him. Jacob's eyes were so black they filled completely, leaving no space for any other color.
"I think you're..." he hesitated, knowing this was going to upset Jacob, "Hungry. It must be different for you. Your eyes are..." he trailed off, still staring, unable to understand just what was going on.
---
Jacob scoffed, turning from Edward, and crossed his arms.
"Oh, sure, you can stare at me now."
He was still hot, his skin hotter than it has ever been before and he didn't understand why it's so hot. He closed his eyes, breathing despite not needing to anymore, and it was really an attempt to calm himself down, a habit that he knew wouldn't be leaving him too soon.
When the pain in his eyes finally left him, he was able to open them again, blinking a few times to make sure. His skin was still hot, but the pain was gone and he turned back, facing Edward again.
"Why do you keep looking at me like that? Like I have two heads or something."
---
Edward blinked himself and was still greeted with the same image in front of him. He took Jacob by the face and looked at him dead-on while Jacob tried to pull from him.
"It's gone. It's... gone."
He turned from Jacob and crossed his arms, thinking and trying to decipher all of this, then he remembered the last time he had seen Leah and her thoughts had floated into his head. Her recent heartbreak had been heavy on his mind and he had seen the same strange occurrence in her own eyes.
"It's a hybrid thing, I assume."
He turned back and looked Jacob in the eye, making himself, knowing that if he didn't it hurt Jacob more.
"Your eyes were solid black."
He moved forward, grabbed Jacob's hand and almost frowned.
"And your skin was like fire. Like how... like..."
He looked down again, ashamed of himself for slipping up already. If he had looked up he would have seen Jacob mirror his action and look down as well, but he did feel Jacob's hand slip from his grasp and held back the shudder that threatened to run through him.
"We shouldn't talk about before anymore, Edward. There's no point," Jacob whispered and Edward felt as though he'd been broken and put together so many times now he'd lost count.
He kept his gaze down, so ashamed and not wanting to see the hurt he'd caused in Jacob's eyes.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have. I won't again."
He took a few steps back, hitting the bed and sitting, still looking down and shook his head.
"I thought the hardest part was over but I was so wrong. He wrapped his arms around his middle again, and attempted to hold himself together.
"I just want you to be okay, Jake. I know you won't be. I know that this is going to take so much time and work. But maybe some day, we won't have to try so hard and it will come naturally again.
He looks up at Jacob, completely lost in everything.
"Maybe someday you'll feel like even though this has happened, you still deserve everything you had before. That you deserve what I can give you, even if it isn't all that much.
"I want you to know that I will never stop loving you. Not now, not ever. Please just at least know that."
---
There was something stuck in his throat, and every time he tried to swallow, it got thicker. Jacob ached inside, listening to Edward sound so hurt, looking at him and seeing that same hurt, it makes it so much worse.
He kept breaking and he couldn't keep himself together. This was all too much, but watching Edward, it was the worst of all and his lip quivered. He bit it, keeping it still and walked over so he could sit beside Edward on the bed.
He took Edward's hand, weaving their fingers together and smiled slightly at the familiar act and the sparks that had always been there touched his skin, warming it without the aid of anger.
He turns to look at Edward, that same smile still touching his lips. "I've broken my own rules and they haven't been set for even a minute. But I can't help it. I do love you. We said we'd always love each other, and it's still true. I just... I don't like hurting you, and I'm going to hurt you so many times. I don't want to, but I will. And that hurts the most, knowing I'll be the cause of your pain."
He squeezed Edward's hand and was unable to look at him anymore, so instead, he laid his head on Edward's shoulder and squeezed his hand once more.
"Always us, remember?"
---
With Jacob's hand in his, his head lying on his shoulder, something that they'd done a million times and yet this time it was so different. He squeezed Jacob's hand and felt his insides tighten again at the mention of something else so familiar, so them, but it bore into him, staking its claim in some hollow part of himself.
"None of that matters to me, Jake. None of it. I'd take a thousand painful years with you than one without you. This is us now. This is what we are. And we'll work through all of it."
He lifted and kissed the top of Jacob's head, hesitating just before he did but not caring if Jacob cared. He needed this, needed some kind of familiarity to remind him why all of this was worth it.
"I love you too much to let you do any of this alone."
---
Jacob's eyes fluttered shut as he felt Edward's lips kiss his head and his hold on Edward's hand tightened. He wanted this, wanted them, he always had, but he was so afraid of what he was going to become, of what he was now capable of doing, and it was already in his head, all those things he could do to someone.
He forced the thoughts to leave him, keeping his focus on Edward, on how feeling him so close calmed him. He had felt so dead, but right now, at this very moment, he felt alive again, and his chest tightened, but in a good way. When it did, he wondered if this tightness was meant to take the place of what his heart would do before.
He was so tired, which doesn't make sense, but he was, and he laid down, surprised when Edward came down with him. His head still on Edward's shoulder, he moved a bit closer, kept his eyes closed and whispered I love you. They were quiet for a bit after that, staying close together, their bodies touching, but the silence was deafening and he felt he had to speak again, if only to hear something.
"Can we stay like this for a bit, just like this? Even if it's only for a few minutes."
---
Even though the familiar warmth was gone, Edward still felt it. It was so ingrained in his mind that he could feel something that wasn't there, something that wouldn't ever be there again. He whispered I love you into Jacob's hair, happy that he couldn't see his face, couldn't see the anguish that wracked through him.
He kissed Jacob's head again, running his hand down Jacob's back and bathing in how right this felt, even when everything was so very wrong. He spoke softly, trying to sound as sincere as he could. He wanted Jacob to have hope, something he himself had never had. He wanted Jacob to believe this wasn't the end of anything, especially not the end of them.
"We can stay like this as long as you want."
fandom/pairing. twilight / edward/jacob
rating. pg-13
summary. "We still love each other. Intensely. Nothing and no one will ever change that about us."
notes. Co-written with
pocketsun. A sequel to Just Because I'm Losing, Doesn't Mean I'm Lost. Was originally a thread in eventide_rp and posted here."Jake...?"
Edward’s voice was not his own, but someone else's. He has never sounded this weak before. He had never had a reason to. Jacob stared at him, his eyes unblinking and he wasn’t sure if the look was one of confusion or of upset, but he braced himself either way.
---
He could not speak and was unable to make sense of what was going on. Something was off. He could smell something different but familiar, and he wasn’t sure what it is. His eyes stayed on Edward's face, searching it, seeing the pain, feeling it without having to ask.
And then he heard it.
silence.
He wasn’t breathing. His heart was not beating. His skin, skin that had been so warm for so long, was now colder. He looked down, looked at that skin and noticed a change in color, paler than before.
And the screaming began in his mind. His head spun. He doesn't know what to do, what to say, if he was supposed to say anything at all. He opened his mouth and breathed, and it was different. His throat burned. from lack of talking, from screaming, or from something else. It might have been all three plus so many more reasons he could not bear to think of.
“It’s so quiet,” was what he managed to choke out. It was the only thing Jacob could think to say.
---
Edward watched as the realization washed over Jacob's face and wanted to hold him, squeeze him tight and tell him that it wasn't that bad, but what a lie that would be. Edward spent every day hating the thing he was, never wishing it for anyone, especially not Jacob. Yet, here he was watching him and he felt all the threads of himself start to unravel.
He reached out and attempted to hold Jacob's hand but Jacob ripped it from his grasp so fast he barely noticed the absence. His eyes fell and again he wasn't sure what to do, what to say. Nothing could make this better, not one single thing.
Everything felt ruined and he watched as all the pieces fell in front of him. He opened his mouth, forming a small 'o' with his lips and then found he has nothing at all to say. I love you just didn't seem like enough for either of them at the moment.
---
Jacob watched as he ripped his hand from Edward's grasp, the act so fast he wasn't sure if Edward's hand had ever been near his in the first place. He wanted to apologize, tell Edward he was sorry and didn't mean to do that, but he couldn't get the words out.
He sat there, staring, not saying anything. He wasn't even sure is there was anything left to say. What could he say? Nothing would make this better.
He was dead. His lack of a pulse assured him. He was dead. He was not dead. He didn't know what he was, if he was himself, someone else, something else.
His breath hitched in his throat as everything crashed into him and he was off the bed in a flash, sliding down a wall across the room, his head clutched in his hands, and dry sobs wracking through him.
He wanted this once. It seemed so long ago now. He'd never wanted it again and now that he had it he wished it would go away. He missed the sound of his heart, the warmth of his skin. It had only been minutes and he already missed himself.
He looks up, looked at Edward, and shook his head.
"I'm sorry."
---
Edward watched the scene before him, feeling like it was some movie or maybe even a dream. This couldn't be real, this hadn't happened to them. He was confused because Jacob's head was completely quiet, just like his heart, and he had no idea how to react. He knew his Jacob, he knew the man that he had grown to love, the man before James took everything away from them. But this Jacob... he was someone else. He was still his, but so much about him was not even remotely the same.
He watched Jacob's face, trying to determine what to do. Should he go to him? Should he even acknowledge what they both knew and both were so distraught over? Every bit of him was pushing at his back, wanting him by Jacob's side, to hold him in his arms and lie to him, tell him it was okay. But the look in Jacob's eyes wasn't welcoming, it wasn't warm. The pools of crimson removed any trace of the brown he'd grown to love and completely lost.
He stayed where he was on the bed and moved to sit on the edge to look at Jacob, not going to him, not crossing the vast space between them, one that a few days ago would have never existed if they were in the same room together.
"There's nothing to be sorry about, Jake. I understand."
His head fell and he wrapped his arms around his middle, holding together the smallest threads that he had been left with. He couldn't look Jacob in the eye again, couldn't see the blood red looking back at him.
---
Jacob kept his eyes on Edward even when Edward's gaze dropped, even when his head fell and he saw his arms wrapped tightly around himself. A surge of anger flew through him as he noticed the distance between him, and it was not only in the physical sense.
A growl echoed around the room and it took him a moment to realize it had come from his own chest.
"Don't patronize me, Edward. Don't pretend like everything is peachy keen. Don't. Don't do anything at all because nothing matters anymore. Nothing at all."
---
Edward's head snapped up at the sound of the growl, and then the words pierced through him and he wanted to punch Jacob, stop all of those words from coming out of his mouth. But each second that ticked away after Jacob had spoke, only infuriated him more and Edward watched him, focusing on his hands balled into fists, his jaw clenching.
"I know nothing is fine, Jacob. I know. But I don't want this to be any harder than it has to be."
He stood and took a few steps toward Jacob, but there was still a great space between them.
"I still love you. You. No matter what you are."
---
He pressed his body into the wall, suddenly feeling like he was going to go insane. Jacob breathed again and his throat still burned, so he kept his mouth shut and breathed through his nose heavily, the sound loud because there were no other noises in the room.
There used to be
He blinked, forcing the thought to go away. As Edward stood and took a few steps toward him, his gaze moved up to his face, but as the words left Edward's mouth, he growled again, not able to control it.
"How can you love someone who doesn't exist anymore? The person you loved is dead."
His eyes stayed on Edward's face and he spit out his next words.
"Don't lie."
Another growl ripped through his chest and he closed his eyes, lowering his voice.
"Please don't."
---
He had to remind himself that this was not his Jacob, this was what had been created and the words coming from his mouth were a result of that. Soon, soon it would be how it had been, not entirely but in pieces.
He wanted to shake Jacob, make him understand that if he didn't love him, he wouldn't have been here. That if he didn't love him, he wouldn't have sat beside him and watched him die. And that if he didn't love him, none of this would have happened.
His eyes closed shut at this thought and he remembered what he could but it was all slipping away from him so quickly. Gasps left his lips and he screamed inside his head, screamed at Jacob, screamed at himself.
His eyes reopened and he fought the worry from his expression.
"You do exist, Jake. Please. How can you look at me, look me in the eye, and ever doubt how I love you? Even if I wanted to stop, I couldn't. I tried before. Remember?"
He lowered his head again as the feeling of a tightness in his chest overtook him.
"I can't not love you. You're ingrained in me."
---
Jacob leaned his head against the wall, his eyes stared up at the ceiling and a bitter laugh left his throat.
"That was before. It doesn't matter anymore. That all died when I did."
He couldn't control himself. He couldn't control this anger, this bitterness, his longing for his life, for what he was. He wanted to cling to it but he found that it was impossible. It was so far from him, miles and miles away, almost as if it was another life entirely. Decades ago instead of just three days.
"You never wanted this for me. I know you can't stand it, that you don't want to come near me, that I'm not him anymore and it hurts you."
He looked down at his hands that were clenched into fists, watching as he relaxed and clenched again. He hurt. His chest hurt. It felt tight, and he couldn't release any of the tears that were forever stuck behind his eyes now.
His throat was on fire and he swallowed it, whispering out into the unwanted silence.
"I wish he had killed me."
---
The final words slashed right through him, knowing he'd said this himself to James, knowing how badly he wished this himself. Anything, anything but this.
He wanted to retreat, run through the door, beg Esme to get him out of town and never return. But he'd learned far too many times that running did little to remedy any situation. Instead he stayed, unmoving, unblinking.
His eyes turned back to Jacob's, and they seemed to both look up at the same time and this act alone reminded him that there were still pieces and parts of his Jacob left inside the person in front of him.
He took a risk, stepping forward more, more until he was standing over Jacob, looking down and daring him to move, to protest this. He crouched down, kneeling in front of Jacob and pulled him into his arms. Jacob tried to pull and Edward knew that he could if he really wanted to but he felt the muscles start to relax and dropped his head into Jacob's shoulder, trying hard to not fall apart again.
“I wish you'd believe me. I still love you, Jake. I still do.”
---
Edward's embrace, his scent, the feel of him, it was overwhelming and he broke. His hands bunched up fabric from Edward's shirt into his fists and he shook violently from his silent sobbing. He couldn't control them, he didn't want to. He was allowed to break, to unravel, but he also didn't want to for Edward, didn't want to hurt him even more than he already had.
His face buried into the crook of Edward's neck and his eyes closed. For a moment it felt like it had been before, before this, before this mess. His words were murmurs pressed into Edward's skin, skin that was similar to his own now.
"I love you. But you deserve better."
---
Edward moved back from Jacob in a snap, his arms still around him, but focused on his face, concern written all over him. He was such an open book, he couldn't hide any of this. He never could with Jacob.
"Jake. Jake. I deserve you. Every part of you. You are still mine. You'll always be mine. Nothing will take that away."
Jacob's gaze stayed downcast, and Edward realized that Jacob felt like he doesn't deserve it. That Jacob didn't deserve these words or his love, none of it. He felt Jacob's hands tighten their hold on his shirt and he wondered if Jacob even realized he had done that. And when he heard Jacob speak, it was so quiet, so hushed, almost as if he wasn't speaking at all.
"I'd like to believe that, Edward, but everything is different now. You can't be sure of anything."
He moved a hand under Jacob's chin and pushed his head up, forcing Jacob to look at him. He smiled as much as he could muster, trying to give Jacob even the smallest bit of hope.
"I'm sure of us. I've always and will always be sure of us."
He leaned in then and kissed Jacob quickly, keeping it feather-light. When he leaned back, he pressed his forehead against Jacob's and spoke quietly.
"We still love each other. Intensely. Nothing and no one will ever change that about us."
---
The kiss had been like a shock to Jacob's system and his hands finally relaxed, dropping down and back to his side. He wanted to move away, didn't like being this close to Edward. And that thought was so horrible it threatened to tear him apart all over again.
"Edward, that may have been true before, really, but I'm not that person anymore. I'm different. I know it, you know it, and pretending it's the same won't work. We should just..." he trailed off and didn't even know what he meant.
---
Edward's jaw clenched as the words left Jacob's lips and the hole in his stomach that had finally started to subside erupted of inside him again. He stared at Jacob and couldn't even think of words to say but does, saying what he can, all the while thinking to himself, this is not happening, this is not happening.
"No!" he barked his answer and regretted it. He shook his head and looked back at Jacob, looked him in the eyes despite the act hurting him far too much.
"Jake... how can you even think that? Just.. how..."
He trailed off himself and suddenly he was mad, he was upset, he was seething internally at just how selfish all of this was. It may be easier for Jacob but no, no. This is not happening.
He felt his hands ball into fists and stood, staring down at Jacob and then pacing, his voice like a canon, "You think I don't love you, that now you're a vampire too, I won't be able to? Is that it? Do you even grasp what I had to watch? That I could have left, I could have taken you somewhere else. But no, I kept you here with me. I laid beside you and held you even when you threw me off. I watched you die, Jake. If I didn't love you, if I didn't have even the slightest bit of faith in what we are, even after all of that... I wouldn't fucking be here right now."
---
Jacob was infuriated, with himself, with Edward, with what he was, and he closed his eyes; they hurt, felt odd. He kept them closed while he listened to Edward yell, but as he listened on, his anger increased and his skin felt like it was on fire and he didn't understand what was going on, but he stood, and grabbed Edward's arm for no reason other than wanting to touch him.
"I'd only consider it for you. You can't even fucking look at me for more than a minute and I've only been dead for what, an hour? Think about what it will be like months from now."
---
Edward winced from Jacob's touch, the cold gone... he was warm again. Jacob was still holding him and Edward looked back at him in awe. But when he saw Jacob's eyes his face grew even more worried. He turned, still watching Jacob and kept his voice low.
"You're... You're..."
Jacob released his arm and he still stared at him. Jacob's eyes were so black they filled completely, leaving no space for any other color.
"I think you're..." he hesitated, knowing this was going to upset Jacob, "Hungry. It must be different for you. Your eyes are..." he trailed off, still staring, unable to understand just what was going on.
---
Jacob scoffed, turning from Edward, and crossed his arms.
"Oh, sure, you can stare at me now."
He was still hot, his skin hotter than it has ever been before and he didn't understand why it's so hot. He closed his eyes, breathing despite not needing to anymore, and it was really an attempt to calm himself down, a habit that he knew wouldn't be leaving him too soon.
When the pain in his eyes finally left him, he was able to open them again, blinking a few times to make sure. His skin was still hot, but the pain was gone and he turned back, facing Edward again.
"Why do you keep looking at me like that? Like I have two heads or something."
---
Edward blinked himself and was still greeted with the same image in front of him. He took Jacob by the face and looked at him dead-on while Jacob tried to pull from him.
"It's gone. It's... gone."
He turned from Jacob and crossed his arms, thinking and trying to decipher all of this, then he remembered the last time he had seen Leah and her thoughts had floated into his head. Her recent heartbreak had been heavy on his mind and he had seen the same strange occurrence in her own eyes.
"It's a hybrid thing, I assume."
He turned back and looked Jacob in the eye, making himself, knowing that if he didn't it hurt Jacob more.
"Your eyes were solid black."
He moved forward, grabbed Jacob's hand and almost frowned.
"And your skin was like fire. Like how... like..."
He looked down again, ashamed of himself for slipping up already. If he had looked up he would have seen Jacob mirror his action and look down as well, but he did feel Jacob's hand slip from his grasp and held back the shudder that threatened to run through him.
"We shouldn't talk about before anymore, Edward. There's no point," Jacob whispered and Edward felt as though he'd been broken and put together so many times now he'd lost count.
He kept his gaze down, so ashamed and not wanting to see the hurt he'd caused in Jacob's eyes.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have. I won't again."
He took a few steps back, hitting the bed and sitting, still looking down and shook his head.
"I thought the hardest part was over but I was so wrong. He wrapped his arms around his middle again, and attempted to hold himself together.
"I just want you to be okay, Jake. I know you won't be. I know that this is going to take so much time and work. But maybe some day, we won't have to try so hard and it will come naturally again.
He looks up at Jacob, completely lost in everything.
"Maybe someday you'll feel like even though this has happened, you still deserve everything you had before. That you deserve what I can give you, even if it isn't all that much.
"I want you to know that I will never stop loving you. Not now, not ever. Please just at least know that."
---
There was something stuck in his throat, and every time he tried to swallow, it got thicker. Jacob ached inside, listening to Edward sound so hurt, looking at him and seeing that same hurt, it makes it so much worse.
He kept breaking and he couldn't keep himself together. This was all too much, but watching Edward, it was the worst of all and his lip quivered. He bit it, keeping it still and walked over so he could sit beside Edward on the bed.
He took Edward's hand, weaving their fingers together and smiled slightly at the familiar act and the sparks that had always been there touched his skin, warming it without the aid of anger.
He turns to look at Edward, that same smile still touching his lips. "I've broken my own rules and they haven't been set for even a minute. But I can't help it. I do love you. We said we'd always love each other, and it's still true. I just... I don't like hurting you, and I'm going to hurt you so many times. I don't want to, but I will. And that hurts the most, knowing I'll be the cause of your pain."
He squeezed Edward's hand and was unable to look at him anymore, so instead, he laid his head on Edward's shoulder and squeezed his hand once more.
"Always us, remember?"
---
With Jacob's hand in his, his head lying on his shoulder, something that they'd done a million times and yet this time it was so different. He squeezed Jacob's hand and felt his insides tighten again at the mention of something else so familiar, so them, but it bore into him, staking its claim in some hollow part of himself.
"None of that matters to me, Jake. None of it. I'd take a thousand painful years with you than one without you. This is us now. This is what we are. And we'll work through all of it."
He lifted and kissed the top of Jacob's head, hesitating just before he did but not caring if Jacob cared. He needed this, needed some kind of familiarity to remind him why all of this was worth it.
"I love you too much to let you do any of this alone."
---
Jacob's eyes fluttered shut as he felt Edward's lips kiss his head and his hold on Edward's hand tightened. He wanted this, wanted them, he always had, but he was so afraid of what he was going to become, of what he was now capable of doing, and it was already in his head, all those things he could do to someone.
He forced the thoughts to leave him, keeping his focus on Edward, on how feeling him so close calmed him. He had felt so dead, but right now, at this very moment, he felt alive again, and his chest tightened, but in a good way. When it did, he wondered if this tightness was meant to take the place of what his heart would do before.
He was so tired, which doesn't make sense, but he was, and he laid down, surprised when Edward came down with him. His head still on Edward's shoulder, he moved a bit closer, kept his eyes closed and whispered I love you. They were quiet for a bit after that, staying close together, their bodies touching, but the silence was deafening and he felt he had to speak again, if only to hear something.
"Can we stay like this for a bit, just like this? Even if it's only for a few minutes."
---
Even though the familiar warmth was gone, Edward still felt it. It was so ingrained in his mind that he could feel something that wasn't there, something that wouldn't ever be there again. He whispered I love you into Jacob's hair, happy that he couldn't see his face, couldn't see the anguish that wracked through him.
He kissed Jacob's head again, running his hand down Jacob's back and bathing in how right this felt, even when everything was so very wrong. He spoke softly, trying to sound as sincere as he could. He wanted Jacob to have hope, something he himself had never had. He wanted Jacob to believe this wasn't the end of anything, especially not the end of them.
"We can stay like this as long as you want."
Be an 
Comments are appreciated.
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Date: 2008-11-28 02:49 am (UTC)That was really amazingly good.
You're amazing ;D
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Date: 2008-11-28 05:56 am (UTC)