ghostsighs | fic: twilight - just because i'm losing, doesn't mean i'm lost (edward/jacob)

title. just because i'm losing, doesn't mean i'm lost
fandom/pairing. twilight / edward/jacob
rating. pg13
summary. Edward was trying to block out all the memories inside James’ head, the same scene playing over and over.
notes. Co-written with

pocketsun. Uses canon from

eventide_rp. Title from Coldplay's Lost?. Originally posted here.

There was something in the air that made him feel uneasy. Jacob had no idea what it was, but there was something different about today, something he couldn't put his finger on.

He was stretched out on the couch, a book on his lap (something he didn't normally do unless he was bored and could find nothing else to keep him entertained.) and the sound of the television droned on in the background, keeping him company so he wouldn't feel completely alone and if someone walked in he'd be able to snap the book shut and look as if he were watching whatever was on the screen.

Rachel and Rebecca had left a few hours ago, but not before asking him if he'd like to come along. He'd declined, deciding to spend a bit of time to himself, something he hadn't been able to do in a while. (Not that he minded, since most of his time was spent with Edward and those were happy times indeed.)

Edward. He'd been tempted to call him earlier and ask him to come over but a book has caught his eyes, and for once, he chose to read for his own pleasure instead of being forced to. Surprisingly, he enjoyed it. He felt silly, as though he had to hide this to keep up some sort of appearance. After all, he did enjoy pestering Edward about books, and he didn't want to stop doing that. It brought him many moments of laughter, for Edward was so easily irritated, especially when Jacob poked fun of his love for his precious books.

His laughter broke through the sound of the television, much louder than the movie that was playing. His eyes flitted to the screen, noticing that a movie, a chick flick, was currently on. He rolled his eyes, reaching for the remote to shut it off. With a click of a button, the screen went black and he smiled to himself, standing to stretch his arms above his head.

As he turned, a scent crept into his nostrils and a growl, low in volume, erupted from his throat.

Vampire.

The scent, so sickeningly sweet, was unfamiliar and he knew it did not belong to any of the Cullens. It was everywhere, almost as if the blood sucker had run a circle around his home, perfuming the air with it's disgusting and most unpleasant smell.

So immersed in thought was he that Jacob couldn't have predicted the events that would fall before him in a matter of seconds. The sound of footsteps caused him to spin around, his brown eyes meeting the red of the vampire. They trailed down to the smirk that played at his lips and another growl left his lips.

“Jacob Black, I've waited so long, too long, for this,” the leech drawled out, his voice sending a jolt of irritation through his body.

“Who the hell are you?”

It was a simple question, but the vampire had not planned on answering him. Not in the verbal sense at least. Jacob watched, almost as if he wasn't standing where he was, but to the side, as if he were a bystander, he watched as the vampire lunged at him, his body hard, cold, slamming into him, sending them both crashing onto the hardwood floor.

His arms shot up, a natural reaction to being attacked, but the vampire caught him by the wrists, slamming them back down onto the floor. Without warning, without expecting it, without ever thinking this would happen, teeth, sharp as razors, cut into the skin at his neck, sinking into his flesh, tearing at it.

His shock was so intense that he did not react. He couldn't believe this had just happened. He'd been bitten. He'd been bitten and hadn't fought back.

Then his instincts finally appeared and with all the strength he could muster, he pushed the vampire off of him and rolled to his side, clutching his wound. He pulled his hand away and stared at the blood that stained his skin.

He'd been bitten. He'd been bitten. He'd been bitten.

This sentence repeated in his mind as the venom began to make it's way into his bloodstream, setting him on fire. He cried out, ending up on his back again, his nails digging into the wood beneath him, scratching at it.

He couldn't breathe. This pain, pain worse than any other he had endured before, even worse than the pain he'd felt when he first phased, crashed into him like waves, forcing his body to twist, to writhe, to arch away from the floor.

His heart pounded in his head, faster and louder as each second flew by, and still, he could hear the vampire's voice over the sound of his heart, hear his laughter as he crouched down beside him, see his face looming over him, a smile spreading across his hardened features.

“Will he still love you when your heart stops beating, wolf?”

···

Edward picked up his cell phone again, eying it suspiciously and wondering why he hadn’t heard anything from Jacob today. He tried to put all his worries and overreactions to bed inside his mind, not letting all the possibilities soak in. He stood and pulled a familiar book off the shelf, settling into his couch and trying to focus on it.

He was barely a few pages in when he caught Jacob’s scent but something was different about it. He continued with his book, knowing Esme was home to let him in. He couldn’t figure out what was so awry with Jacob’s scent, it was familiar but not. And he was sure he’d smelt this deviation in scent before but was unsure where. It had been years, he was sure.

The scent grew and he kept to his book, sure Jacob would walk in, slap it out of his hands while he pretended to not even notice he was there. He was already playing the scene in his head when he heard a loud thump and looked up. The scene that greeted him made his stomach fall to his feet.

A familiar vampire whose scent had somehow mixed with Jacob’s own and threw him off was standing in his door way. He focused on him, standing immediately and wanting to rip his throat out for coming into his home, his family’s home.

James looked down and shook his head in mock upset and when Edward finally took in what was lying at James’ feet, he rushed forward, a growl ripping through him. James started to laugh and it only angered him more. He rose, Jacob twisting into himself below him, and James shook his head, tsk tsking him like a school teacher.

“Keep your eyes on the prize, Cullen. You can rip me apart but your poor dog will lay there on the floor. It’s only been an hour, the best is yet to come.”

The smirk that spread over James’ face infuriated Edward, his hands clenched into fists and he was close to punching him clear through the other side of the house. But Jacob cried out again and he crouched back down, not touching him but wanting to cradle him in his arms, take all of it back. He looked back up to cast another glare at James and he was gone.

Jacob writhed again, screaming louder than Edward had ever heard him. The curses were scrolling through his head like stock quotes and Edward felt completely helpless. He pulled Jacob into his arms, not listening when Jacob screamed even more from the sensation of touch. Edward screamed for Carlisle, Esme, for anyone. How were they not already here? He knew they were home.

“Edward…,” Esme’s kind voice wasn’t what he wanted.

Edward barked at her. “Find Carlisle! Now. Now.”

Esme jumped and returned with Carlisle within seconds. Carlisle put a hand on his shoulder but he wouldn’t move. He couldn’t let go of Jacob, no matter how much he knew he needed to. Emmett was beside Esme’s fragile frame now and Carlisle motioned for him to come closer. Edward felt Emmett’s strong arms pulling his own from Jacob and he finally gave up as Carlisle and Emmett carried Jacob over to lay on Edward’s bed.

“It’s just been an hour,” Edward said, so hushed he wasn’t sure it had been spoken.

Carlisle nodded and Emmett wouldn’t even meet his eyes. Esme’s slender arms wrapped around him and he pushed her from him. She turned and left the room, her hand over her mouth. Edward stood still, not breathing. He couldn’t take in this scent; this wasn’t Jacob, his Jacob. This scent stung his nose.

Edward took everything in and watched as the movement in the room completely slowed. He couldn’t just stand here. He couldn’t watch Jacob die and not seek out some sort of revenge. He watched Carlisle ready Jacob for the coming days and he started to seethe, his hands clenched so tight they felt like stones.

Edward made up his mind. He was sure. Positive.

Carlisle looked up to check on Edward and he wasn’t in the room, nor was he even in the house. Esme rushed in and her voice was shrill with worry.

“He blew right through, Carlisle. He ripped the door off the house….”

Esme cried out, a sob wracked through her but without the tears to stain her flowered dress.

Carlisle sighed and looked back to Jacob just as he quieted again but his eyes told a different story.

“He’s going after James.”

···

James sighed, his body leaning against the tree. It had been a few minutes since he'd dropped the dog off at the vegetarians humble abode and he knew he wouldn't be alone for long. Another minute went by, and just as he'd known, Edward Cullen appeared before him, his fists clenched, his jaw set, looking ever the part of the hero set to take revenge on the cruel, evil monster that had harmed his truest of loves.

“My, my, Cullen, I seem to be experiencing a bit of deja vu. Tell me, are you experiencing this miraculous phenomenon as well?”

The vegetarian did not respond to him and James rolled his eyes, already bored with this.

“You are most disappointing, Edward. Last time you didn't waste a second, you attacked me right when you stormed in, keeping me away from your precious humans sweet blood.”

Still no reaction. James' disappointment grew and his body left the tree, his feet moving, walking toward Edward. A smirk still on his lips, he walked a circle around him, enjoying how tense Edward appeared.

“I've been watching you both for months. Did you know that? No, I don't suppose you would, you were far too busy sucking face with the mutt to notice. A shame, really, you could have stopped this from happening if you'd realized I was around,” James taunted and walked another circle around him.

Again, Edward did not react. He kept his eyes on James, but nothing else. He wasn't even breathing. Perhaps he'd get a reaction if he mentioned the mutt. He could try, he didn't have anything else to do.

“I delight in knowing that even if you kill me, your precious pup will still be put down,” he laughed, pausing to walk one last circle around Edward. He came to a stop right in front of Edward, leaning forward until their faces were a few inches apart. “In a way,” he added with a wink.

Edward had taken as much as he could and lunged at him, their bodies pounding and making a dent in the earth. His hands held James’ wrists and he winced as James started to replay the scene in his head, the blood seeping from Jacob’s throat, the realization dawning on him, his eyes wide.

James took this chance to get the upper hand. He shoved Edward forward, crashing him into the tree he’d been leaning against and threw his head back in laughter.

“We’ve played this game before, Cullen. And you don’t have your brothers to finish what you can’t.”

Edward lifted and came at him again, grabbing him by the hair as a growl ripped through him like explosions. He stared at him and he wished the pain didn’t shine through so clear because James was laughing again and he knew exactly why. Edward was trying to block out all the memories inside James’ head, the same scene playing over and over.

“You want to kill me? Go ahead. It won’t bring back the things you loved about him. I challenge you. Kill me.”

Something broke inside of Edward and he growled again, his teeth baring through his snarling lips. He threw James forward, rushing to him before he had time to stand.

“You’ve taken him from me.” Edward’s voice was hushed, quiet but full of hatred. He leaned down and spit into James’ face.

Edward ran a hand down James’ arm, tilting his head and pulling James so he was standing.

“And this is for his scent which will never be the same.”

Edward ripped James’ right arm off, throwing it behind him and returning to stare at James.

“And this is for his smile which he’ll lose as well.”

Edward grabbed the wrist of James’ left arm and ripped it from his body, throwing it as well and snarling.

“This…” Edward’s voice started to break but he maintained his composure. “This… is for how cold his skin will be now. And how it won’t warm me, how he’ll never flush at my touch again.”

He pushed James forward, his body slamming into the ground and writhing from the pain that wasn’t close to what he deserved. His head tilted again, unable to understand why this was so easy. He ripped another appendage and slung it with the others.

Edward looked down at James, the vicious smirk gone and all the quips finally quieted. He lifted another leg and got a good hold on it before he spoke.

“And this, James. This. Is for his heart. That would beat against his chest like horses charging, that would swell when I kissed him. Of everything you could have taken from me…” Edward pulled and threw this piece as well.

“I wish you’d killed him. No one, no one deserves this life. Most of all, him.”

···

Esme sat by Jacob's side, her eyes never leaving him. She had never had many regrets about being a vampire, Carlisle had saved her by turning her, but now, at moments like this, she wished she could cry. Her chest was tight, painful, and those unshed tears that she prayed for never came. She longed for a release from this pain, and every cry that left Jacob's lips, every tear falling down his cheeks, every twist his body made, only made the pain that much worse.

Her fingers brushed across his cheek, wiping away the wetness of his tears mixed with sweat. Her hand was moist from it, warm from his skin that was on fire like the one spreading inside of him. She felt so helpless, watching him writhe around, screaming for death to take him, to just kill him and stop the pain.

She looked up at Carlisle, the concern clearly written all over his face, and she knew it mirrored her own. They were alone with Jacob, Esme refusing to leave even when Carlisle had asked her to. She couldn't leave Jacob alone, not while he was like this.

“Are we going to give him morphine?” she asked, her eyes still on his face.

“Perhaps. I can't be sure yet, since he is wolf... we have no idea what's going to happen, darling.”

Her gaze dropped back down to Jacob's face and her hand caressed his cheek, frowning as he flinched at her touch. “He's going to be a vampire, that's what's going to happen.”

“Both, Esme. He'll be both. Vampire and werewolf, just like - “

“Don't speak of that monster, Carlisle,” she interrupted, hating even the thought of Jacob being like that thing.

“I'm sorry, love. You know I didn't mean it in that way,” he sighed.

She forced a smile, her face hurting from how false it was. She was trying to hard to remain composed, to not cradle Jacob in her arms, sing him lullabies, kiss his forehead, be a mother to him. She didn't want to confuse him anymore than he already was.

“Edward's been gone for a while.”

It was a statement, not a question. She was so worried, for their sake, Jacob's sake, and most of all Edward's. What if he had been hurt, or worse, what if he was dead? Jacob needed him now more than ever and he'd run off to seek revenge.

“Edward.”

Jacob had been repeating his name for a while now, and Esme's heart, her dead heart, ached at the sound of her son's name on his lips. She caressed his cheek again, a sob leaving her as he moaned in pain. “Shh, it will be all right, darling. Everything will be all right.”

···

The fire blazing behind him and knowing what was at home, Edward was tempted to take the route home slower, to give himself time. But Jacob’s face flashed behind his eyelids and he nearly fell to the ground. His arms held him tight, his fingertips digging into his sides. He wanted to scream and thrash about but he saw Jacob’s face again and he calmed.

Memories flooded over him and he broke into a run, anything to keep the sadness at bay. In moments he was home, staring at the house and hearing Jacob begging for death, pleading with Esme to kill him. And then he heard his name, Jacob screaming it in his head. His face fell and he hurried up the stairs, standing at the doorway for a second before saying anything.

Edward’s voice was barely a whisper but it broke through the room like waves crash the shore.

“I’d like to be alone with him.”

Carlisle rung in first, the perpetual doctor, always more concerned for the patient than anything else. “Edward this is the hardest bout, let me stay to help monitor him. He needs constant super-“

Edward growled, flashing in front of Carlisle and Esme and glaring at them.

“I said Get Out.”

They both backed from him, nodding and leaving the room. Edward watched as they left, the door closing and then looked back to Jacob, his Jacob but somehow not. He felt like all the pieces he’d loved about his Jacob were being burned right out of him. Jacob said his name again and he leaned down to brush the tears from his eyes.

“Jake… I’m here. I’m right here. I’m not leaving. I’ll always be right here.”

Jacob thrashed in bed, and Edward climbed in behind him, Jacob’s back against his chest. He held him as hard as he could and kept his lips at his neck, whispering things he always did. Jacob started to thrash even more, his arms coming out from Edward’s hold.

“Jake. Please. Just let me hold you. Please let me hold you.”

Jacob cursed and Edward was thrown into the adjacent wall. His bedroom door flew open and Carlisle rushed to Jacob while Esme helped Edward up.

“He’s getting stronger. The worst part will be over soon,” Carlisle said, trying to console Edward.

Edward nodded and Esme watched him concerned. He looked at her and then walked past her, sitting in the chair Esme had brought in for herself. He watched intently as Carlisle checked his heart rate but Edward could hear it pounding in his ears, every beat counting down to when it would stop entirely.

···

At the end of the second day, Jacob’s overthrows of strength started to lessen but his heart was still beating much harder than he was sure it was supposed to. Not that he didn’t welcome it, every single second he had with that calming sound was never enough.

Carlisle drifted past Edward who watched as Carlisle checked his heart rate again. Carlisle furrowed his brow and then something washed over his face because it just went blank.

"It's slowing, but it's still steady." Carlisle looked down, not letting his eyes fall on Edward or Jacob. "He's fighting it. That's why he's been so violent."

Edward nodded but felt his inside rip open.

He's fighting it.

···

The hours passed slower than any Edward had waited through. Every scream, every thrown piece of furniture and every wince when he brushed Jacob’s face with his fingers ate through him. He felt like he was dying with him, as if this was not only Jacob’s fate, but their own; singeing into their skin and making a permanent scar.

Soon Jacob stopped screaming though and his head started to clear which confused Edward. He got into bed with him again, laying on Jacob’s chest and holding him tight. He didn’t allow anyone inside anymore, this was the last time for so much and it was theirs, theirs alone.

“This doesn’t change anything, Jake. I still love you. Every piece of you. I don’t care what you become, only what you are to me. I hope you hear me. You need to hear me. I don’t want you to hate yourself. I still love you. Just as much.”

The tears started to roll down Jacob’s face again and Edward leaned to kiss them, Jacob remaining completely still, his chest barely even heaving with breaths.

“You’re still mine. My Jacob.”

Edward adjusted and pressed his lips against Jacob’s ear. “It’s going to be over-“ but his words halted when the silence took over the room. He lifted up and saw that Jacob’s eyes had closed, the final tear still staining his skin. Edward watched him and his eyes shot open. He looked at him, unblinkingly and rose more just as Jacob sat up straight in bed. He eyed him anxiously; afraid that he wouldn’t remember, afraid that he’d think that it had been him that turned him. He waited, the silence echoing around him and confusing him more.

“Jake…?”