fic: twilight - i'm losing you, i'm losing half of me (edward/jacob)

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title. i'm losing you, i'm losing half of me
rating. pg
fandom/pairing. twilight / edward/jacob
summary. “Fuck, Jake. You’re so fucking stubborn.” He takes him by the shoulders and looks him in the eyes, intensely. “You’re no good to me like this. You’re barely even an empty shell. Can’t you seen that you’re hurting me doing this to yourself? I can’t watch this Jake. I can’t. I refuse to.”
notes. Betaed by pocketsun. Uses eventide_rp canon. Title inspired by Cat Power's Half of You. Originally posted here.



Edward is lying beside Jacob, running his fingers through his hair and consuming yet another book. Jacob stirs slightly and he looks down at him. It’s another nightmare and it bursts into Edward’s head.

Jacob morphing into his wolf form, then ripping apart and falling into pieces on the ground.

Edward is pulling at Jacob’s hair and doesn’t realize until Jacob screams his name and his eyes flash open.

“What are you doing?!” Jacob rubs his head and twists his face, “You nearly scalped me! Jesus!”

Edward closes his eyes again and opens them slowly, looking to the side. Jacob takes his face in his hands and makes their eyes meet. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

Edward kisses him, dropping his book and holding Jacob tightly against him. Jacob presses against his chest and Edward leans back.

“Was I having the nightmare again?”

Edward nods and Jacob’s face falls. Edward kisses him on the forehead and whispers, “It’s ok. It wasn’t as bad this time. You don’t remember it?”

Jacob shakes his head and Edward kisses his forehead again, pulling his face to rest against his chest.

These nightmares are happening much too frequently and Jacob is lying when he says he doesn’t remember them. Edward knows this, but would never call him on it. He knows Jacob has his own reasons.


---


It’s the third day that Jacob has spent in bed. He’s not eating, not really even sleeping or resting. Edward stays with him constantly, never leaving his side. He hums to him, recites stories, anything to try and calm him enough to sleep. Nothing works; Jacob’s body won’t allow him to rest anymore.

“Edward…” Jacob’s voice isn’t even audible enough to register as a whisper. Edward cranes down to look Jacob in the face, seeing the tears, wondering how long he’s been crying.

“Edward… tell me the story about the wolf again. You know.. the one that ate too much,” Jacob laughs, but it’s quietly sad.

Edward smiles slightly and nods, “I remember.”

Jacob adjusts himself and groans against Edward when he twists a little too much. Edward holds him tight against his chest, slouching in the bed to hold him properly.

Edward looks down at Jacob and sees the tears still falling down his cheeks. He begins the story, trying to keep his voice light.

“A wolf, once upon a time, caught a fox…”


---


“Jake… just listen to me. Please.” Edward’s voice hushed and worried.

Jacob sits up from the bed, glaring, “No. I’m not talking about it. This is my decision, Edward.”

Edward crosses the room, his arms around his middle, “You are falling apart, Jake. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Do you see the person you’ve become?” He pinches at the skin on Jake’s arm. “You’re like a ghost. A skeleton. Jake... I can’t watch you do this to yourself.”

Edward gets down on his knees, in front of the bed, he folds his hands in his lap and is trying to beg and plead with all he can muster, “I’ll be fine, Jake. You’re killing yourself to be with me and… Jake… I can’t let you do this anymore.”

Jacob stands and pushes Edward back, “You don’t fucking get it, do you? I’d rather be how I am now, barely able to get out of bed to do the one thing I have to do to continue this charade, than to... to...” At this Jacob begins to fall and Edward catches him.

“Jake…” Edward holds Jacob against him and can feel the wet, hot tears staining his shirt again.

He’s sure by now that Jacob has cried enough for both of them.


---


The doorbell rings and Jacob looks at Edward confused. Edward frowns and gets up, going downstairs to answer the door. Jacob growls his frustration loudly when he catches the scents. He struggles to get to the edge of the bed and Edward shows up in the doorway, arms crossed and looking like a guilty child.

Jacob spits his words, “Why did you fucking call them?”

Edward crosses the room, trying to help Jacob up but Jacob pushes him back, nearly falling to the floor. “I’m fine,” he moaned.

Edward stands there, feeling so guilty, but knowing this is the only way to get Jacob to see what is happening.

Edward helps Jacob against his wishes, practically carrying him down the stairs to the living room. When Jacob’s eyes meet his former pack members, a gasp escapes his lips. He's not seen them in decades, not since they decided to stop morphing and he and Edward moved away. All of them are weathered, wrinkles showing years of happy memories on their faces. He doesn't even recognize any of them, but when Sam speaks, he knows these are his former friends, his former brothers.

“Jake… we.. Edward called me and.. look. We need to talk about this, okay?” Sam shifts in the chair he sits in.

Edward sits Jacob down in a chair across from Embry and Embry nods at him, smiling sadly.

Jacob is vaguely aware of everyone else, keeping his focus on Sam.

Sam’s gaze goes to Paul and Paul tries to look up at Jacob, but looks past his shoulder instead, head down. “Fucking hell, Jake. We're fucking worried about your dumb ass, you know? You'll fucking end up like Quil and shit, man.”

Jacob’s head pops up at the mention of Quil. “What do you mean.. end up like Quil? Hes just like I am. He’s still morphing for Leah.”

The whole room hushes and Jacob is looking at everyone. Embry won’t meet his eyes, Jared hasn’t even moved since Jacob came downstairs.

“Wait.. what happened? What’s wrong?”

Sam lifts himself from the chair and walks toward Jacob, kneeling in front of him, taking his hand. “Quil… he passed away, Jake.”

Jacob lifts from the chair and Sam steps back. Paul is up and by Sam’s side, ready to hold Jacob back if he has to. “What do you mean? He’s not dead. Leah would have called me. I just talked to him... a… while ago.” He stops, realizing it’s been at least a month. Time has moved like a bullet train and he’s collapsing into the chair without even meaning to. “He can’t be... what happened to him?”

Paul speaks up before Sam can, “It fucking got to him, Jake. You can’t fucking morph forever. It fucking gets to you after a while. Shit.”

Jacob buries his head in his hands and Edward sits next to him on the arm of the chair. He puts his arms around Jacob and he shoves him off.

“Don’t fucking touch me. All of you. Why didn’t anyone call me? It’s not like I’m out traveling abroad?” A sob tears through his chest and he clutches at it. “He’s my best fucking friend and none of you could pick up a phone to let me know? Fuck all of you.”

Jacob looks at Embry, “Not even you.” He stands again, holding the chair roughly. “I know we don’t see each other, but that’s your decision. I can’t come see you. You know that.” He looks around the room, trying to catch any sets of eyes and only meets Paul’s. “You know how close Quil and I are… were… and you… you…” He falls back into the chair and he’s crying so hard, he can barely talk. “I want all of you gone.”

Jacob looks back at Edward who was sitting silently in a chair by the door. “I want to go upstairs.”

Edward is at his side at once, helping him up from the chair and to the stairs.

Jacob glares at everyone before he starts to climb the stairs, frowning when he sees Jared is crying. He opens his mouth to say something but decides against it.

When Jacob is upstairs, he settles into bed and stops Edward from sitting next to him. “I need to be by myself.”

Edward nods and closes the door behind him. He gets a chair, sitting it by the door and puts his head in his hands. He hears something clatter against the wall and then Jacobs’ thoughts are in his head.

Get out. Get out of the house.

Edward rises and walks down the stairs. When he starts the car he hears Jacob again.

This doesn’t change anything.


---


It’s a week later and Jacob still won’t let Edward anywhere near him. Edward leaves to hunt and when he gets back, Jacob is naked and crying on the front porch.

“Jake… Jake.. what happened?”

Jacob doesn’t even react to his voice and Edward picks him up. He kicks the front door in, going upstairs to put Jacob in the bath.

Jacob’s eyes are closed and the circles under them are black as coal.

“Jacob. Look at me. What happened?” Edward turns on the water, the sound making Jacob jump.

The water starts to fill the tub and Jacob’s eyes meet Edward’s. He sees the pain, sees everything in them. Jacob’s thoughts float through the air and Edward feels like he’s going to collapse.

The images flood him. Jacob morphing and running through the dense forest behind their house, his legs failing him, his body crashing forward. He gets up, whining and barking, he sees Quil’s face and howls loudly. He starts to run again, toppling to the ground after a few strides. He curls up into a ball and morphs back, crying and shaking. All he sees is Quil’s face, sees him dying, hears their laughter as they’d jump off cliffs together.

He watches Jacob stand, leaning against a tree and walking a few steps before falling. Jacob continues, walking and faltering against the rocks and tree roots.

Edward takes his face in his hands and Jacob can’t even keep his eyes open. “You’re stopping this. You’re not doing this anymore. I don’t care if I have to chain you down. I won’t let you do this to yourself anymore. It’s not worth it. I’m not worth this, Jake.”

Jacob opens his mouth but his voice won’t even make a sound. His eyes roll upward, asking Edward to listen to him.

You’re worth it, Edward. I’m fine. I can do this.

“You’re not fine, Jake! You can’t even walk a few steps… I have to force you to eat, you scream out in your sleep like you’re being murdered. And you can’t even… you… you don’t smile anymore, Jake.”

Jacob falls forward and starts to cry. He’s not even making a sound, his voice gone. But Edward sees his shoulders shaking, and he lifts him back up. He gets in the tub, clothes on and straddles Jacob.

“Please. Please, Jake. Stop. For me. Please just stop.”

Jacob cries in Edward’s shoulder and Edward rocks him, holding him tight.

“I love you, Jake. I love you, I love you. Please stop.”

Jacob sits back, his eyelids barely opening to look at Edward. He leans forward, kissing Edward’s lips and his thoughts break Edward into two.

I promised you as much of forever as I could manage. I’m not giving up yet.

“Fuck, Jake. You’re so fucking stubborn.” He takes him by the shoulders and looks him in the eyes, intensely. “You’re no good to me like this. You’re barely even an empty shell. Can’t you seen that you’re hurting me doing this to yourself? I can’t watch this Jake. I can’t. I refuse to.”

But… I love you.

Edward is feeling the tightness in this middle again and flinches at the familiarity. “I love you too. But, this isn’t even a matter of choice anymore. You’re going to stop. No more. Promise me.”

I can’t, Edward. Please.

“Promise me, Jake.”

Jacob starts to shake under Edward and he sits back. Edward takes his face, kissing him hard. “No, Jake. Don’t. Please don’t.”

Jacob’s shaking gets even worse and Edward jumps out of the tub just in time when the snap echoes against he bathroom walls. Jacob bares his teeth and Edward stares at him, shocked.

This is who I am now, Edward. This is what I am.

Edward surveys him, having not seen Jacob in wolf form years, at Jacob’s request. Jacob’s fur is knotted and discolored, the reddish hues gone, replaced by black and grey. His skin barely hangs off his bones, his snout mangled with scars. Edward wraps his arms around himself and frowns. He turns his head, he can’t even look at him.

What? Don’t love me anymore? This is who I am, Edward.

Edward approaches him, laying his hand on Jacob’s head. “It’s because I love you that I can’t do this. You’re breaking me in half, Jake. I can’t even… you look like you’ve not eaten years. Have you seen yourself?”

Edward nods his head at the mirror and Jacob huffs before looking over. When he sees himself, he whines and looks up at Edward’s reflection. Seeing Edward like this, his arms around his middle, his face twisted in desperation, Jacob crumples into the floor, phasing back and crying hard into the tiles.

Edward falls to his knees, picking Jacob up, holding him tight. Jacob pulls at Edward’s shirt, fistfuls in his hands.

I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I’m sorry. Edward, I’m so sorry.

Edward hushes him, holding him even tighter and kissing his head. Jacob is repeating sorry in his head like a broken record and Edward can feel Jacob dying already.


---


It’s quiet and Edward runs up the stairs, taking them three at a time. He reaches the door and knows even before he opens it.

Jacob is as he left him, on his side, covers to his chest. His arm is laid out in front of him, hanging off the bed. Edward falls to the floor, his chest on fire. He’s growling and ripping at the hard wood floors, ripping them from under him. He throws a plank against the wall and listens to how it echoes in the room.

It’s quiet and Edward can’t even stand. He can’t hear Jacob’s heart beat, he can’t hear his thoughts, and he can’t hear anything. The room is screamingly still and Edward screams out, not even sure what he’s saying.

It feels like hours before Edward finally goes to Jacob. He lifts his body, sitting behind him and hugging him close. He rocks with him, his lips on his head, Jacob’s hair tickling his nose and he laughs, unsure of why.

“You’re still mine, Jake. You’re still mine.”

Edward lays Jacob down, kissing his lips and holding his hand. He’s so cold already and Edward curses loudly. He keeps kissing him, knowing it won’t fix anything, but doing it all the same.

Edward’s voice is a whisper, and he’s reciting I love yous like a prayer into Jake’s chest. He lets his ear fall to where Jake’s heart beat against his ribs, screaming Edward’s name, racing at his touch and it’s silent.

Everything is silent.

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