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ghostsighstitle. my body is a cage
fandom/pairing. twilight / edward/bella
rating. pg-13, for mild violence
summary. It is the day Bella has waited for, the day she will become immortal and not worry about words like eternity and time. However, she doesn't register just how much of an effect her transformation will have on Edward.
notes. Dedicated and betaed by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
woven, who inspired this and helped me with getting Bella just right. Title is from the Arcade Fire song of the same name. ♪
He knows that he’ll remember this night for eternity, and not only because of his infinite memory, or the fact that this is one of pivotal points in his and Bella’s relationship. He’ll remember because tonight he is taking a life whether Bella considers it that or not. She's begged and pleaded with him, saying it isn’t a life lost, but an eternity gained. It’s never felt right to Edward, not since Bella’s positive response to his proposal, one he thought about for months before he had the courage. This has never felt anything but completely wrong, but he acted like it was her choice when it never really had been. Bella’s decision had been spawned of the worst human emotion of all – love.
He watches as Esme serves Bella her favorite meal, and it feels like her last meal on death row. The entire family – save for Rosalie, whom is pouting in her room – is spending what will be Bella’s last hours as a mortal, as a human, as a breakable girl in love with her. He should sit beside her, arm around her waist, kissing her hair as she laughs at another of Emmett’s jokes, but he can’t. He wants to really see her, to study and watch her for the final time. These are his final moments with the Bella he fell in love with, the one that ensnared him without even knowing. In three hours, she’ll be gone and a bloodthirsty statue in her place.
Bella turns, looking over her shoulder and smiling at him like she has a thousand times, but something about this time feels increasingly different. Her teeth show, her eyes fixed on him, and he smiles back instinctually. She gives him a look that begs him to stand near her, both of them feeling very asymmetrical without the other to lean against. He looks down as he lifts from the kitchen wall, her small, porcelain hand reaching out for his. He stares at her, already seeing every second count down and the life leaving her warm, brown eyes.
···
Alice's thoughts dwell on Bella's future life as an immortal, knowing how much it plagues Edward to think about, much less see it. She keeps herself fixed on it, as if to slap Edward with an I told you so! for knowing about it before Bella was even a part of their lives.
Edward sighs exasperatedly, Alice looking up and smiling shyly at him. “Sorry,” she says under her breath, but Edward knows better than to believe she means it. She’s wanted Bella to be like them more than Bella herself.
“No, you’re not,” he says softly, Bella looking up in wonder shortly after. He kisses her temple and tightens his arm around her waist, knowing that soon he will not have to use the restraint he does now. He knows he’ll miss it.
···
“I’ll be downstairs until you are ready,” he whispers, his lips brushing over hers, selfishly making her heart race for what might be the final time. Bella nods, looking down at elaborate dressing gown Alice has laid out for her. Edward kisses her softer than he normally would and retains the exact beat of her heart, remembering how it was the metronome for her lullaby. He meets her eyes again when he leans back and leaves the room without another word.
He walks down the steps at a pace he normally does, each one feeling like the final nail in a coffin Bella has built for herself. The walk downstairs feels like a funeral march, and he is surprised at how clear his mind is, even with the worst of thoughts flooding it. Edward finally reaches the living room, resting on the couch and closing his eyes. After a moment, he feels a hand on his shoulder and knows it is Esme. He doesn’t open his eyes, instead breathes out slowly, acknowledging her as quietly as possible.
“This is what she wants, Edward,” she says, her voice so clear it makes him uncomfortable.
Edward adjusts, speaking under his breath. “She’s blinded. She only wants this because she wants me.”
Esme places her slender hand on his jaw and forces Edward to look at her, his eyes opening and seeing sadness in her expression. “Is that really so horrible?”
He knits his eyebrows together, trying to understand what she is trying to convey. He doesn’t know the answer to this question, not sure if there really is an answer. He knows there is no life without Bella; he can’t even begin to fathom living without her again. He knows he would find a way, but the mere thought of it is enough to crush him into pieces.
“It should be,” he says just as he hears Bella say his name. He stands, looking across the room to his family that is present. Carlisle reminds him mentally that he will be listening just in case. Alice floods him with memories of Bella happy, pale, ice-cold, and frozen. He begins to wish his mind had a door to shut.
···
He opens the door, Bella’s face solemn, not stained with tears as he thought they would. It frustrates him. This is the last time she will be able to cry, why isn't she taking the opportunity? But Bella has always been unpredictable. Her hands twitch, wanting his, and he’s trying to make himself rethink this, to try to convince her of living, of not asking him to kill her. She smiles when he begins to walk towards her, looking down at the expensive attire that Alice insisted get stained with blood upon her death. “I’m ready,” she says, her chocolate eyes searching his. When he can’t take his eyes off her, trying so helplessly to stay his hand – or his venomous mouth – Bella looks awkward and uncomfortable. “I feel like Wendy in Peter Pan,” she says, a giggle escaping her lips. “I told her it wasn’t necessary, but she never listens.”
Edward sits down beside her, and she takes his hand, holding it in hers as tight as she can. He looks down at them, not even flexing his fingers because he’s afraid he might hurt her. He has little restraint left, only enough to complete this and watch his wife die slowly over three days. “You are sure,” he says too soft, Bella barely hearing him. Instead of answering him, she lifts her warm fingers, touching his face and kissing him. Edward snakes an arm around her middle, forcing her to lay down on the bed, careful when he rests on top of her.
Edward leans in, his lips brushing over her throat, one that his teeth will rip open and his mouth will drink from – blood he has tasted before and found the will to resist. He kisses just above her shoulder, then again higher, feeling her pulse race under his marble lips. Bella lays her hand gently on the back of his neck and squeezes, enough for him to lift and look at her with confusion plaguing his face.
“Not there,” she says, her cheeks blushing in a way Edward has always liked. He tilts his head as she continues. “I don’t want it to be for anyone to see. I want it to be ours and ours only.”
Edward sits up, looking down at her and completely missing what she is asking, seeing it as apprehension instead of intimacy. Bella takes a deep breath and diverts her eyes from his. “I always wanted your venom, it's why I was so infuriatingly insistent that you did it, that you turned me,” she says quickly as her eyes focus on his in a way he isn’t sure they have before. “I don't want you to leave a mark out in the open; I only want you and I to know, so, it's more intimate. It's more conspicuous that this was voluntary, that I'm yours.” The blush in Bella’s cheeks is lighting up her whole face, making her seem so much more alive than she’s ever been to him.
Bella parts her legs, pushing the dressing gown up, over her knees and pressing her fingers against the soft skin of her inner thigh. “Here,” she says, her voice so direct.
Edward lifts his hand, laying it on top of Bella’s. “You want this, want your scar here?” He has never seen his own scar – hidden under shirts at his collarbone – as anything of beauty or purpose. Choosing where hers is, letting him mark her in a place she wants instead of what is convenient seems unconventional, but that’s what he and Bella have always been.
Bella smiles, her free hand reaching up to hold Edward’s face. “Please?”
Edward doesn’t respond, but nods, moving down the bed as Bella lays back, her eyes closing. He looks up into her eyes and wants to see hesitation, but there isn’t a shred of it. “Tell me you are sure.”
Bella bites at her bottom lip before answering, blood rushing to it and making it even more plump than normal. “I’m sure. I want this, Edward.” Bella pauses, staring down at him, giving him a look that makes it impossible to change his mind now. “I want you,” she murmurs. “Forever.”
“I love you,” he whispers as his teeth rip into her flesh, Bella trying not to scream as her hands pull at his hair. He tries to ignore her, to drink and allow his venom to spread into her body. Bella’s first scream alerts him that he needs to stop, but he doesn’t, his body wanting every single drop inside her fragile body. The monster inside him screams for more, wants to drain the meal in front of him, but when Bella screams his name, he lifts, her eyes rolling back in her head from the pain. He sits up and the sight he can see before him will never leave his mind. He will forever see Bella just as she is now, crying and reaching for him.
He stands, backing away from her just as Carlisle rushes past him. Edward recoils out of the room until his back hits the hallway wall, blood still coating his lips, sticky and much too sweet. He feels Esme’s hand on his arm and jerks from her, sliding down the wall and holding his head in his hands, wanting to take back what has happened and wishing Bella’s screams weren’t so loud already. He refuses to open his eyes, to watch Carlisle hold her down as he tries to administer something to make the change easier.
“You did well, Edward,” Alice says. Edward’s eyes jerk up, glaring at her because there couldn’t be a worse thing to say to him right now. He finally stands and gets out of the house, running when he hits the forest near their home. It doesn’t matter how far he runs, though, he can still hear Bella screaming for him, for her life, for the pain that is ravaging her body within his own mind.
···
Bella’s screaming halts after the first day, and her body contorts in silence from the venom taking every ounce of her life away. When her heartbeat fades, Edward leaves the room, Esme holding Bella’s hand until he returns. He can’t listen to it die, he can’t listen to Bella die. Her heart is the last thing that fails her which seems oddly ironic since that is what has set the beat to so much between them.
When Bella wakes up – the third day being the one Edward both looked forward to and dreaded – she is smiling at him, knowing what has happened. She doesn’t say a word, her small hand reaching out for his. He moves to sit on the bed as Bella sits up, a smile on her face Edward will never forget.
“It’s done?” she asks, her voice sing-song and almost nothing like before.
Edward winces slightly at the question which confuses Bella. He nods and looks away from her, hearing Carlisle and Esme outside the door. Bella wraps her thin arms around him, kissing his neck, and pulling him down into the bed with her. He wants to be happy, wants to delight that Bella is no longer so fragile, so perilously breakable. However, his mind focuses on her vacant chest, on her ice-cold skin, and the way she breathes like it doesn’t matter anymore.
“I love you, Edward,” she says.
Edward feels a large piece of him break away and shatter on the ground. “I love you, too,” he whispers. “Forever.”
Edward realizes that forever has an entirely new meaning now.
fandom/pairing. twilight / edward/bella
rating. pg-13, for mild violence
summary. It is the day Bella has waited for, the day she will become immortal and not worry about words like eternity and time. However, she doesn't register just how much of an effect her transformation will have on Edward.
notes. Dedicated and betaed by
woven, who inspired this and helped me with getting Bella just right. Title is from the Arcade Fire song of the same name. ♪He knows that he’ll remember this night for eternity, and not only because of his infinite memory, or the fact that this is one of pivotal points in his and Bella’s relationship. He’ll remember because tonight he is taking a life whether Bella considers it that or not. She's begged and pleaded with him, saying it isn’t a life lost, but an eternity gained. It’s never felt right to Edward, not since Bella’s positive response to his proposal, one he thought about for months before he had the courage. This has never felt anything but completely wrong, but he acted like it was her choice when it never really had been. Bella’s decision had been spawned of the worst human emotion of all – love.
He watches as Esme serves Bella her favorite meal, and it feels like her last meal on death row. The entire family – save for Rosalie, whom is pouting in her room – is spending what will be Bella’s last hours as a mortal, as a human, as a breakable girl in love with her. He should sit beside her, arm around her waist, kissing her hair as she laughs at another of Emmett’s jokes, but he can’t. He wants to really see her, to study and watch her for the final time. These are his final moments with the Bella he fell in love with, the one that ensnared him without even knowing. In three hours, she’ll be gone and a bloodthirsty statue in her place.
Bella turns, looking over her shoulder and smiling at him like she has a thousand times, but something about this time feels increasingly different. Her teeth show, her eyes fixed on him, and he smiles back instinctually. She gives him a look that begs him to stand near her, both of them feeling very asymmetrical without the other to lean against. He looks down as he lifts from the kitchen wall, her small, porcelain hand reaching out for his. He stares at her, already seeing every second count down and the life leaving her warm, brown eyes.
···
Alice's thoughts dwell on Bella's future life as an immortal, knowing how much it plagues Edward to think about, much less see it. She keeps herself fixed on it, as if to slap Edward with an I told you so! for knowing about it before Bella was even a part of their lives.
Edward sighs exasperatedly, Alice looking up and smiling shyly at him. “Sorry,” she says under her breath, but Edward knows better than to believe she means it. She’s wanted Bella to be like them more than Bella herself.
“No, you’re not,” he says softly, Bella looking up in wonder shortly after. He kisses her temple and tightens his arm around her waist, knowing that soon he will not have to use the restraint he does now. He knows he’ll miss it.
···
“I’ll be downstairs until you are ready,” he whispers, his lips brushing over hers, selfishly making her heart race for what might be the final time. Bella nods, looking down at elaborate dressing gown Alice has laid out for her. Edward kisses her softer than he normally would and retains the exact beat of her heart, remembering how it was the metronome for her lullaby. He meets her eyes again when he leans back and leaves the room without another word.
He walks down the steps at a pace he normally does, each one feeling like the final nail in a coffin Bella has built for herself. The walk downstairs feels like a funeral march, and he is surprised at how clear his mind is, even with the worst of thoughts flooding it. Edward finally reaches the living room, resting on the couch and closing his eyes. After a moment, he feels a hand on his shoulder and knows it is Esme. He doesn’t open his eyes, instead breathes out slowly, acknowledging her as quietly as possible.
“This is what she wants, Edward,” she says, her voice so clear it makes him uncomfortable.
Edward adjusts, speaking under his breath. “She’s blinded. She only wants this because she wants me.”
Esme places her slender hand on his jaw and forces Edward to look at her, his eyes opening and seeing sadness in her expression. “Is that really so horrible?”
He knits his eyebrows together, trying to understand what she is trying to convey. He doesn’t know the answer to this question, not sure if there really is an answer. He knows there is no life without Bella; he can’t even begin to fathom living without her again. He knows he would find a way, but the mere thought of it is enough to crush him into pieces.
“It should be,” he says just as he hears Bella say his name. He stands, looking across the room to his family that is present. Carlisle reminds him mentally that he will be listening just in case. Alice floods him with memories of Bella happy, pale, ice-cold, and frozen. He begins to wish his mind had a door to shut.
···
He opens the door, Bella’s face solemn, not stained with tears as he thought they would. It frustrates him. This is the last time she will be able to cry, why isn't she taking the opportunity? But Bella has always been unpredictable. Her hands twitch, wanting his, and he’s trying to make himself rethink this, to try to convince her of living, of not asking him to kill her. She smiles when he begins to walk towards her, looking down at the expensive attire that Alice insisted get stained with blood upon her death. “I’m ready,” she says, her chocolate eyes searching his. When he can’t take his eyes off her, trying so helplessly to stay his hand – or his venomous mouth – Bella looks awkward and uncomfortable. “I feel like Wendy in Peter Pan,” she says, a giggle escaping her lips. “I told her it wasn’t necessary, but she never listens.”
Edward sits down beside her, and she takes his hand, holding it in hers as tight as she can. He looks down at them, not even flexing his fingers because he’s afraid he might hurt her. He has little restraint left, only enough to complete this and watch his wife die slowly over three days. “You are sure,” he says too soft, Bella barely hearing him. Instead of answering him, she lifts her warm fingers, touching his face and kissing him. Edward snakes an arm around her middle, forcing her to lay down on the bed, careful when he rests on top of her.
Edward leans in, his lips brushing over her throat, one that his teeth will rip open and his mouth will drink from – blood he has tasted before and found the will to resist. He kisses just above her shoulder, then again higher, feeling her pulse race under his marble lips. Bella lays her hand gently on the back of his neck and squeezes, enough for him to lift and look at her with confusion plaguing his face.
“Not there,” she says, her cheeks blushing in a way Edward has always liked. He tilts his head as she continues. “I don’t want it to be for anyone to see. I want it to be ours and ours only.”
Edward sits up, looking down at her and completely missing what she is asking, seeing it as apprehension instead of intimacy. Bella takes a deep breath and diverts her eyes from his. “I always wanted your venom, it's why I was so infuriatingly insistent that you did it, that you turned me,” she says quickly as her eyes focus on his in a way he isn’t sure they have before. “I don't want you to leave a mark out in the open; I only want you and I to know, so, it's more intimate. It's more conspicuous that this was voluntary, that I'm yours.” The blush in Bella’s cheeks is lighting up her whole face, making her seem so much more alive than she’s ever been to him.
Bella parts her legs, pushing the dressing gown up, over her knees and pressing her fingers against the soft skin of her inner thigh. “Here,” she says, her voice so direct.
Edward lifts his hand, laying it on top of Bella’s. “You want this, want your scar here?” He has never seen his own scar – hidden under shirts at his collarbone – as anything of beauty or purpose. Choosing where hers is, letting him mark her in a place she wants instead of what is convenient seems unconventional, but that’s what he and Bella have always been.
Bella smiles, her free hand reaching up to hold Edward’s face. “Please?”
Edward doesn’t respond, but nods, moving down the bed as Bella lays back, her eyes closing. He looks up into her eyes and wants to see hesitation, but there isn’t a shred of it. “Tell me you are sure.”
Bella bites at her bottom lip before answering, blood rushing to it and making it even more plump than normal. “I’m sure. I want this, Edward.” Bella pauses, staring down at him, giving him a look that makes it impossible to change his mind now. “I want you,” she murmurs. “Forever.”
“I love you,” he whispers as his teeth rip into her flesh, Bella trying not to scream as her hands pull at his hair. He tries to ignore her, to drink and allow his venom to spread into her body. Bella’s first scream alerts him that he needs to stop, but he doesn’t, his body wanting every single drop inside her fragile body. The monster inside him screams for more, wants to drain the meal in front of him, but when Bella screams his name, he lifts, her eyes rolling back in her head from the pain. He sits up and the sight he can see before him will never leave his mind. He will forever see Bella just as she is now, crying and reaching for him.
He stands, backing away from her just as Carlisle rushes past him. Edward recoils out of the room until his back hits the hallway wall, blood still coating his lips, sticky and much too sweet. He feels Esme’s hand on his arm and jerks from her, sliding down the wall and holding his head in his hands, wanting to take back what has happened and wishing Bella’s screams weren’t so loud already. He refuses to open his eyes, to watch Carlisle hold her down as he tries to administer something to make the change easier.
“You did well, Edward,” Alice says. Edward’s eyes jerk up, glaring at her because there couldn’t be a worse thing to say to him right now. He finally stands and gets out of the house, running when he hits the forest near their home. It doesn’t matter how far he runs, though, he can still hear Bella screaming for him, for her life, for the pain that is ravaging her body within his own mind.
···
Bella’s screaming halts after the first day, and her body contorts in silence from the venom taking every ounce of her life away. When her heartbeat fades, Edward leaves the room, Esme holding Bella’s hand until he returns. He can’t listen to it die, he can’t listen to Bella die. Her heart is the last thing that fails her which seems oddly ironic since that is what has set the beat to so much between them.
When Bella wakes up – the third day being the one Edward both looked forward to and dreaded – she is smiling at him, knowing what has happened. She doesn’t say a word, her small hand reaching out for his. He moves to sit on the bed as Bella sits up, a smile on her face Edward will never forget.
“It’s done?” she asks, her voice sing-song and almost nothing like before.
Edward winces slightly at the question which confuses Bella. He nods and looks away from her, hearing Carlisle and Esme outside the door. Bella wraps her thin arms around him, kissing his neck, and pulling him down into the bed with her. He wants to be happy, wants to delight that Bella is no longer so fragile, so perilously breakable. However, his mind focuses on her vacant chest, on her ice-cold skin, and the way she breathes like it doesn’t matter anymore.
“I love you, Edward,” she says.
Edward feels a large piece of him break away and shatter on the ground. “I love you, too,” he whispers. “Forever.”
Edward realizes that forever has an entirely new meaning now.
Be an 
Comments are appreciated.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-09 01:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-09 01:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-09 01:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-09 02:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-09 02:52 am (UTC)I caught a small typo at the beginning:
In three hours, she’ll be gone and a bloodthirsty statue in her place.
In three days
no subject
Date: 2009-04-09 02:57 am (UTC)and i meant, hours. meaning three hours from that point in the fic, edward will be taking her life. :)
no subject
Date: 2009-04-09 03:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-09 03:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-09 03:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-09 03:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-09 03:21 am (UTC)The characterization was spot on.
Edward's love and selflessness rang through each one of his actions.
Bella's eternal optimism was there too.
I love that she asked him to bite her in such an intimate place...that made it oddly romantic.
Great job.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-09 04:47 am (UTC)Fabulous story!
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Date: 2009-04-09 05:20 am (UTC)i'm adding it to my memories, because i feel like it can motivate me to write as well. ^_^
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Date: 2009-04-09 06:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-09 06:42 am (UTC)*sigh* i think this is how it should have happened. :D
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Date: 2009-04-09 10:28 am (UTC)seriously, there's just so much i want to say due to the feelings that im feeling but i can't because im speechless.
this is just perfect!
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Date: 2009-04-09 03:57 pm (UTC)Bravo!
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Date: 2009-04-09 08:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-09 10:22 pm (UTC)Poor Edward is such a tormented soul.
I love the idea of Bella choosing where he bites her.
:)
no subject
Date: 2009-04-12 01:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-30 04:41 am (UTC)whoa
Date: 2010-01-08 12:24 am (UTC)Kudos, definetely many kudos.
no subject
Date: 2010-01-11 12:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-05 01:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-24 01:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-01 01:47 am (UTC)